Two faced…..

Its funny how you think you know someone so well, but one day you find out so much you never knew, and your complete view on them changes. You go over everything you knew and blend it with what you find out and you just sit there…speechless….thinking are they really who i thought they are? this can't be true, can it? i never would have thought….. why the secrets? why the hiding?
They become to faced to you. When their with you its that person you know, but the moment they turn around their this new person that is a complete stranger. Ones with hidden lies and secrets.
You go over in your mind the conversations you've had and now think what was true, what was real?
Why the change? why the difference?
And while you just sit there……you wonder.
Will I ever know the truth?
or is all just hidden secrecy.

Crush. love . life….

Its funny how when when we're younger and first feel love, and our parents are saying its not true love. Every ounce of us rebels against them. But when you get older you look back you see that difference. What was in our minds as true love was just simple little crushes, caring i love you's, or teenage drama. Even at the age of 18 i don't think i've even known true love. I've loved deeply, but I dont think true love comes from loving someone just at first.  I think it's something that develops over time, not just a year, but a long time that you've grown to know the person better then anyone, or understand them completely.  I've heard of soul mates but never truly think its possible for everyone. Some people go so far as to taking tests or spending their whole lives trying to find their soul mate, but i think those people miss out on a lot of opportunities to be loved. I think everyone needs something different for their lives. Either it be a soul mate or just to be loved and happy. But to say true love right off the bat, I dont think anyone could be truly sure till time passed by. 

"perfection"

So everyday we look at our flaws. In some ways our flaws control us. We dont wear certain clothes, or we wear 10 pounds of makeup, or we hide ourselves. And from personal experience i've stressed over making sure everything is perfect. My hair perfect, my skin perfect, my clothes perfect, my personality perfect. And if anything messed up my so called "perfect" Id freak, id stress, id panic to get it back to my so called "perfect" for fear of judgement, for fear of being made fun of, for fear of being ugly. But then I look at these people out in this world with deformities that they can never get fixed or changed. And i see them standing up in the world, making a difference, inspiring people thats life is not all outer beauty, it doesn't define you. So I look at my small flaws. The fixable ones I should be counting my blessings i have the option to be able to fix them. The non fixable i should look at and realize this is what makes me ME. Perfection is like a demon in our minds. So many people hurt others or hurt themselves over perfection, when we should all love our differences, our true selves. And except people and ourselves for who we are not for how we look. 

Stranger by your side

Its amazing to feel happiness, but deep down inside you know its not going to last long. Few seconds later and the stranger comes back.

Excitement, joy, happiness, enthusiasm are things you watch people feel, but you know you can't. 

You look in the mirror and stare at yourself. Picturing other people and seeing yourself, wondering whats wrong. 

Crying for fear of never feeling so much again. 

Trying so hard to have it all back, but then falling to your knees in disappointment.

Pain and anger overcome you.

Unknown of why.

Unknown of how.

Unknown of this stranger ever leaving your side.

So you sit, and sit some more.

Hoping that one of these times, you're no longer sitting there.

You're out enjoying life once more.