a million tears….

to be torn apart so many countless times just to jump right back into being torn again.
to go through the feeling of having your whole life slipping through your fingers just to have that one person not even catch any of the pieces.
to trust with everything to the point your back is unprotected just to have a million stab wounds appear.
to love something just to have it slowly disappear.
to yell your lungs out just to end up never being heard.
to have every ounce of your human being wanting to just feel wanted for a second just to be ignored a million seconds.
to support and fight for something just to have it end with your own destruction.

and yet with all that said and done you keep jumping right back in again
to the point your on your knees wondering and asking to many things

just to have them answered and stand back on your feet
to
once
again
fall
to
pieces……..once again….

What do you do

What do you do when you cant live in peace cause of your past.
When every bad memory slashes through you like knives.
What do you do when you cant live in peace cause of the present.
When everything is jumbled up in a big mess and all you do is stress.
What do you do when you cant live in peace for fear of the future.
When everything is so unknown and the world seems like such a scary place alone.

Quietness

I've written my whole life.  Books stacked on books of everyday thoughts, life memories, or just drawings.  I was always the one to be told to be quiet. Always the one who's opinion was never asked.  The one who no one ever wanted to hear from.  To this day I'm still scarred with quietness.

Some people would call that a bad thing.  I call it good.  

I listen and observe, which has allowed me to be main support for people and gain a deeper knowledge of those people then most.

I write to let out emotion or pain, instead of doing something worse.

I keep to myself and allow people who actually want to talk with me come to me first. I've gained true friends that way.

It helped me gain a voice the older I got.  By finally wanting to voice my own thoughts and opinions.

In a way I grew stronger having to deal with things alone, and learn from them.

To be quiet is not a failure or a weakness.  Theres a voice deep inside. Whether it comes out in words, drawings, writings, it shouldn't matter.  As long as it means something to you is all that matters.  

Quietness is a blessing in disguise.

Two-sided

How do you not see the damage you do?
Your so two-sided
You ask for something---- its yours.
You want info-----its given
You want love---- you get it
You want understanding----- here you go
You want respect ----- now you are
etc.etc.etc.etc.

But heres the thing
For me
I ask for something ----- hell no
I want info ----- um why need it?
I want love ----- fake smiles all around
I want understanding ----- just blame thrown at me
I want respect ------- pshhh thats out the door

You'll never see the hurt it causes
The pain, aggravation, and distrust it causes.

So why say were the same.
Why say no ones treated differently.
When all you are
Is two-sided.

Two faced…..

Its funny how you think you know someone so well, but one day you find out so much you never knew, and your complete view on them changes. You go over everything you knew and blend it with what you find out and you just sit there…speechless….thinking are they really who i thought they are? this can't be true, can it? i never would have thought….. why the secrets? why the hiding?
They become to faced to you. When their with you its that person you know, but the moment they turn around their this new person that is a complete stranger. Ones with hidden lies and secrets.
You go over in your mind the conversations you've had and now think what was true, what was real?
Why the change? why the difference?
And while you just sit there……you wonder.
Will I ever know the truth?
or is all just hidden secrecy.

Crush. love . life….

Its funny how when when we're younger and first feel love, and our parents are saying its not true love. Every ounce of us rebels against them. But when you get older you look back you see that difference. What was in our minds as true love was just simple little crushes, caring i love you's, or teenage drama. Even at the age of 18 i don't think i've even known true love. I've loved deeply, but I dont think true love comes from loving someone just at first.  I think it's something that develops over time, not just a year, but a long time that you've grown to know the person better then anyone, or understand them completely.  I've heard of soul mates but never truly think its possible for everyone. Some people go so far as to taking tests or spending their whole lives trying to find their soul mate, but i think those people miss out on a lot of opportunities to be loved. I think everyone needs something different for their lives. Either it be a soul mate or just to be loved and happy. But to say true love right off the bat, I dont think anyone could be truly sure till time passed by. 

"perfection"

So everyday we look at our flaws. In some ways our flaws control us. We dont wear certain clothes, or we wear 10 pounds of makeup, or we hide ourselves. And from personal experience i've stressed over making sure everything is perfect. My hair perfect, my skin perfect, my clothes perfect, my personality perfect. And if anything messed up my so called "perfect" Id freak, id stress, id panic to get it back to my so called "perfect" for fear of judgement, for fear of being made fun of, for fear of being ugly. But then I look at these people out in this world with deformities that they can never get fixed or changed. And i see them standing up in the world, making a difference, inspiring people thats life is not all outer beauty, it doesn't define you. So I look at my small flaws. The fixable ones I should be counting my blessings i have the option to be able to fix them. The non fixable i should look at and realize this is what makes me ME. Perfection is like a demon in our minds. So many people hurt others or hurt themselves over perfection, when we should all love our differences, our true selves. And except people and ourselves for who we are not for how we look. 

Stranger by your side

Its amazing to feel happiness, but deep down inside you know its not going to last long. Few seconds later and the stranger comes back.

Excitement, joy, happiness, enthusiasm are things you watch people feel, but you know you can't. 

You look in the mirror and stare at yourself. Picturing other people and seeing yourself, wondering whats wrong. 

Crying for fear of never feeling so much again. 

Trying so hard to have it all back, but then falling to your knees in disappointment.

Pain and anger overcome you.

Unknown of why.

Unknown of how.

Unknown of this stranger ever leaving your side.

So you sit, and sit some more.

Hoping that one of these times, you're no longer sitting there.

You're out enjoying life once more.